All Posts tagged relationships

Bigger is Better?

Jump for Joy

Jump for Joy

Here is a a little riddle for you, what do Chris Jenner (not referencing the media circus of the family), the Duggars (despite the recent scandal), and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have going on that other families don’t? I’m thinking, I’m thinking, okay…. that’s right each have large families, huh? Yes, it’s true if you want to be a happy parent(s) a large family needs to be in the cards.

Think you can’t do it, oh yes you can! When I was a young husband contemplating with my young wife the prospect of having children, I remember thinking, how can we afford to have children especially more than one? Another pressing concern was when was the right time to start having these little “sleep robbers.” Well, I sought the answers from wise fathers. First, they said, “You can never really afford children, but, if you wait till you think you can you’ll be retired and alone. Second, There is never a “right time to have children and when you’re there on the day they burst into this world, you’ll know what I mean.”

I joke with people who are surprised at the amount of children I have (6) that the odds are in my favor that at least one of them will take care of me when I’m old. It’s tough, I won’t candy coat it. We had four children under the age of five at one point. I changed diapers for a decade (that is 10 years for those of you who are numerically challenged like me). Then there were the 2 a.m. feedings and having to be at work by 6 a.m.. The lack of sleep for both of us was daunting. Our last was a premie (1 lb) arriving four (4) months early then spending 100 agonizing days in the NICU. My incredible wife drove 99/100 days for 3.5 hours round trip each day to be at that NICU with our baby. That was eight years ago, wow time flies and our little girl has blossomed, but not without a lot of health challenges of her own (forgive for being so personal).

There are many joys as well. Seeing them pull together, become independent, make good choices, they have stayed away from the pitfalls of drugs, alcohol, and porn addiction through much instruction, love, and attention. It take tremendous effort, time, sacrifice of your hobbies, time with the guys, and can be so draining, however the results produce happy parents and happy children.

Don’t believe for a second that I haven’t stumbled, tripped, fallen down, and been overwhelmed by the responsibility many times just trying to be a father of a large family. Thankfully, my wife has been our anchor, the stabilizing force through it all. She has taught me so very much! Still, if you are considering a large family, take heart, you can do it and the joy will be immeasurable!

See what science says about large families HERE

 

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“It’s Not You, It’s Me”

imagesIf you have ever been a participant in the dating game, you have certainly heard these painful words before. Maybe, you were the one saying these words? Hey, relationships are complicated, especially when we are dealing with our emotions. Well, when these relationships due end, which gender can move on more quickly? The longer the relationship means that the break-up is that much more grueling, complicated, and emotionally devastating. Do you think men love more deeply, or do women feel more connected intellectually that moving on is almost impossible? The answers will most likely surprise you…

If your interested, you’ll want to read HERE

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Divorce & Dating: Don’t Forget The Kids

Parents fighting_1_0Parents need to remember that children need to feel safe and secure within their family environment. Of course, this can dramatically change when marriages end in divorce. What follows are typically, but, not always the case,  mom, dad, or both begins to put the pieces of their life back together and starts to date. Now, a new challenge arises, what is really going to be best for the children? Parents tend to cycle in and out of these romantic relationships, sometimes they even get lucky and move in temporarily and the relationship flourishes into something wonderful and more permanent. However, many romantic encounters reach a point where it just doesn’t work and the relationship ends. I find that all too often the break up takes place, ties are cut, but the relationship for the children does not end so easily. Undoubtedly, this is complicated as each relationship is so unique in what it adds and takes away. Have you been there? What are you telling your children?

If you think that you can make a better transition than what your doing now, read ON

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Romance or Porn?

coule in bedI find it very interesting to hear how differently men and women perceive the viewing of porn. In my experience in counseling couples and individuals, the vast majority of men seem to feel that it’s fine and that they would like to watch it with their girlfriends, spouses, or significant others. While women appear to be more hesitant,  preferring to control what and when porn is viewed, if at all. These three (3) studies certainly bring some interesting statistics to the forefront for a more lively discussion. We all realize that with the proliferation of the internet, pornography is more accessible than ever and creating more relationship and societal problems, as well. How you handle it is very personal, yet, will be vitally important to the health, stability, and growth of your relationship.

If your interested in what these three (3) studies uncovered READ here

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What’s He Hiding?

man hiding somethingAs I sit and listen to the concerns of couples, I have found that it usually comes down to the those subtle, even hidden nuances that have gone un-nurtured, unrecognized, or plain ignored. Men are viewed as complicated, hard to reach, insensitive, forgetful, and the list can go on and on.  The simple truth is that my gender, well, as men, we are simple creatures, we can be reached with a smile and some tenderness, we are more sensitive then we let on, but, we do tend to be forgetful, some more than others. However, maybe it is because women are just so good at remembering that men just don’t see the need, either way, do you think your man just might be hiding these things?

To find out what THESE things are read on…

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Do You Know if Your Happily Ever After is Being Threatened?

Screen Shot 2015-03-30 at 3.34.58 PMTop reasons couples divorce — and how to head it off

Source:  Deseret News National

Certain life events can crack a marriage, from illness to job changes, infidelity to childbirth. And when babies grow up and leave the nest, it creates another stress-inducing shock to marriage, according to Time Inc. Network’s health.com.

Dr. Elizabeth Ochoa, marriage counselor and chief psychologist at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City, listed seven life events that can lead to divorce. Her list was rounded out by trauma and living apart — which includes military couples who have one spouse deployed and the other at home.

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7 Tips From a Dedicated Dad…

Timely advice that will help all dads to be “awesome” at work and “rock stars” at home…Screen Shot 2015-03-30 at 12.50.27 PM

My wife and I have five kids, five unique, amazing little kids. We love eating out. We love going to the beach. We love being in public. Almost every time we’re out, we get asked, “Are those all yours?” or “Are you Catholic?” I’ll save my reaction to the first one for later, but I always answer the second with, “No, we’re just crazy.”

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Would you benefit from a “Hamburger meat moment?”

 What do you think?  Confused?  Read on…

Marriage tip: Stop treating your husband like a child

Screen Shot 2015-03-30 at 11.15.26 AMWomen referring to their husbands as another child is an unhealthy dynamic in a marriage relationship, according to Christine Meinecke of Psychology Today.

“Even though the appropriate model for relating to a romantic partner is adult-to-adult, most of us, when frustrated, resort to parent-to-child relating,” Meinecke wrote.

Reddit user “Fran” (pseudonym) realized she was treating her husband like a child after what she called her “hamburger meat moment.” The post, which got hundreds of responses, described Fran’s reaction to her husband’s efforts at grocery shopping:

“I started pulling things out of the bag, and realized he’d gotten the 70/30 hamburger meat — which means it’s 70 percent lean and 30 percent fat.

“I asked, ‘What’s this?’

“‘Hamburger meat,’ he replied, slightly confused.

“‘You didn’t get the right kind,’ I said ‘You got the 70/30. I always get at least the 80/20.’

“He laughed. ‘Oh. That’s all? I thought I’d really messed up or something.’ ”

Fran followed this exchange with a long tirade filled with “righteous indignation” about her husband’s lack of caring, inattention, inability to read labels and lack of knowledge about of all things, hamburger meat.

In the end, Fran’s husband looked like a scolded child, and Fran realized she’d made a mistake. “The bottom line in all this is that I chose this man as my partner. He’s not my servant. He’s not my employee. He’s not my child,” she wrote.

After an exchange at a party where he met a woman who referred to her husband as her “third child,” fatherhood blogger Frederick J. Goodall wrote: “Most men have a deep desire to feel respected. If you ask a group of men if they’d rather be respected or liked, the majority of them would say respected. When one spouse treats the other as a child, the relationship becomes unbalanced.”

Respect goes both ways, Goodall added. “Respect is something given freely and is based on love and honor. My wife encourages me and lets me know how much she appreciates the things I do for our family and I do the same for her.”

Blogger Selena Mills wrote that treating her husband like a child was “the one thing I stopped doing to improve my marriage,” but that it was “easier said than done.”

“Oh, it’s hard. So hard to bite my tongue with (not so) subtle reminders like, ‘fold all the laundry together in individual little piles, it’ll be so much easier to put away!’ Or, ‘please remember to sort the laundry!’ ” Mills wrote.

Much of the time, what motivates wives to scold their husbands is the husband’s perceived (or actual) incompetence with household chores or child care. Women spend an average of three hours a week redoing chores previously done by their husbands or partners, according to a Huffington Post report of a British study.

If quality of housework or child care is a real issue and not just a difference of opinion, that problem should be discussed as part of an adult-adult, not a parent-child, type of exchange, according to Meinecke.

“Take the opportunity to interrupt this pattern by changing the way you respond,” Meinecke wrote. “By responding constructively, you also offer your spouse a new option. With practice, any couple can transition from parent-child relating to adult-adult relating.”

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